The Terrible Secret of Monkeys

Pretty recently, in a galaxy not at all dissimilar to ours, someone came up with a brilliant idea: “What if people could easily adopt and care for cute little monkeys from space?” Curiously, he or she was not immediately laughed out of town by his or her peers, nor was he or she asked about the potential scatological consequences. And thus, we gather, a website was born where just such a thing was possible: Adopt a Space Monkey! At least, we’re assuming that’s how it went, due to a near-complete lack of information.

We adopted Spacey because of his cool name and the fact that he’s, according to his download page, “Good for long walks in the park and holding hands.” We’ll certainly concede that those stubby legs would make for any walk being longish but we’re a little disturbed by the positioning of his clutching little monkey hands. What is he really holding, huh?! His vacant grin betrays his true purpose.

Our next experiment may include selection of a likely breeding pair. The Internets is serious business and we’re in the business of awesome! Also the business of vaguely off-color implications.