Beware the Zombie Polar Bear

Okay, so maybe not everyone pays attention when we say we’re going on vacation. Thus, we received another package while we were away, or technically the front office did and then hung onto it until yesterday by being closed for the holiday. You’d think that might teach us a little lesson but then we’re kind of slow.

Anyway, the package was sent from Pleasanton, California, and contained a book, an unopened DVD, and a letter, all framing a certain theme.

In a way, the letter sort of starts off like a draft notice. Note that if zombies have indeed outbroken in our area, our first instinct is to blame Voodoo Doughnut.

We regret to inform you that we have received reports of a zombie outbreak in your area. Our records indicate you are a CLASS IV CIVILIAN. This designation suggests that you exhibit one or many of the following traits: resourcefulness, moderate intelligence, extra sensory perception, and/or abnormally high immunity to illness. You may also have: more than 3 registered firearms, experience operating heavy machinery, experience killing zombies, and/or access to a large and captive audience. If you feel you have received this message in error your designation is more than likely CLASS V ACCEPTABLE LOSS and you may ignore this letter.

It goes on to explain the Zombie Survival Guide and Planet Terror as mere works of fiction that could provide us with “valuable insight into zombie behavior.” But we’ve already seen ourselves in the mirror up in the morning at 3:00 a.m. without having had any coffee, thank you very much, and have had all the insight into zombie behavior that we could require or reasonably tolerate.

We checked out the Lost Zombies website, which reminds us quite a bit of World Without Oil, except in this case it would probably be more like World With Undead (WWU) or possibly Better Run, An Incredible, Indeterminate, Imminent Nemesis Strikes (BRAIIINS)! The site invites users to upload documentation of their zombie encounters for possible inclusion in a community-generated documentary movie about, we dunno, kittens or some crap. How come you never see zombie kittens in movies anyway? You know they’re out there, desperately searching for your shoes to pee in before they sink their little needle teeth into your skull to get at your tasty grey matter. Kittens, we shake our ineffective fists at you!

Pic of the full letter after the jump.

Letter (click for larger size)

Did we ever mention the time zombies ate our dingo? We’re pretty sure that really happened.